Feels like crying

There is a saying from Heraclitus „The only constant in life is change“. 

Well, wasn’t he damn right?

The question is: Why do I start today again, after I abandoned this blog for so long? Well, today is as good as any day, I guess. And yes, I was thinking about waiting till New Years, but decided against it. Why wait? We do always wait and it makes nothing better anyways.

I don’t get a lot of visitors here, so I guess, that no-one will even notice, that I am writing in English. What a stupid thing to do, being German, this not being my mother tongue and being a German author.

Well.

That’s what it is right now.

Me. 

Maybe it is because I am a Gemini. We tend to do stupid things a.l.l t.h.e t.i.m.e. getting overenthusiastic. Getting depressed.

Seems like we are always quickly bored. Always thinking about something new keeping our minds busy, to not fall into the rabbit hole of thinking too much, because it would drive us – me slowly but surely crazy.

For about 8 to 9 weeks I am sick now. Called in sick finally yesterday from my day to day job. What should be helpful plays out to be not good for my mind. Feeling bad, because letting my colleagues down, even though I know how unhappy I am with my job. 

Yes, this will be the real deal here. No jokes anymore. Just me. Sophie – the author, struggling to be seen, being honest. 

My day to day job never made me proud. I was made small over a long period of time. Went with it. Was treated badly from not only my bosses but colleagues I thought as friends of. I know I am not perfect, but I am a people pleaser. I finally found a boss that believed in me, nevertheless what everybody else told him behind my back. And yes, I know they did. All of them. Even the colleague I thought of as a friend. No wonder there is no communication anymore, right? I fell for it and was used.  But he believed in me, promoted me, got me out of my old role … and now? I have the most wonderful team I could ever have wished for. It feels more like family, even though we never meet up in private. We trust each other, we stick together, but well, the outside is not making it easy for us. I love the topic, but not the circumstances. 

It shows me, that I am not made for working in a big company, I guess – even though it always treated me well, considering everything that happened in the economy. And I am trying – I am trying so hard – to give back my very best. But still, I feel like I am letting everyone down, because my heart – my heart is elsewhere. My heart is in my books. In my characters, in the settings, the plots, the drama, the everything.

I may not be a very good author and will never become one, but a girl can dream, right? Girl. Ha. Sorry, pardon me laughing. I am 44 years old, closer to 45 than 44 and just plain getting old. I will never be successful with my writing. But you know, confessing this is a tough cookie. And still, I am not giving up on it. This blog will now become more of a diary, so I am sorry, if I am pathetic, sounding depressed (that’s because I am most of the time) or like a whiny woman, that looks older than she is. 

I am lucky that I have my loving husband. My kids and my Yorkie. My parents still alive, even though it is getting tougher now. That may be all I need, including some dear friends. I do not have a lot, but I am lucky to have less than a handful and one of them (if I am even allowed to call her that) is also my partner-in-crime in the sweet but tough book bubble. 

So, here I am. Sneezing, coughing, at home on my couch, watching Christmas movies, after finally watching ‚It all ends with us‘. Should have been the perfect story for me, right? Drama, love … but well, all it did was, that I am more sad than before.

I have so many stories in my head. So many ideas, but so little time. For all I know is: I miss so much with my kids already … because of all the stuff I do. Time is flying. And who knows how long I can be sitting comfortably on my sofa? Whining about these little things, luxury things, since the world seems to fall apart more and more every day.

For so long, to no-one that is reading this: Stay positive. 

And of course rock on, y’all.

Yours sincerely